How to Communicate Effectively When You Feel Overlooked

If you’re anything like me, you’ve thought to yourself a million times, “They should know [insert thing you’ve told them at least 10 times this week].” For example: picking up after themselves if they have a snack on the couch, clearing their plate after dinner, putting the toilet seat down, not chewing on shoes, remembering that you like ice cream cake for your birthday, doing their homework, or that it’s their turn to do the dishes.

And, I’ll give you this one... YOU’RE RIGHT! They should know. However, based on the evidence right in front of you—whether it’s your ears burning and your chest on fire in frustration, or you’re cold as ice from falling in the toilet again—they don’t.

Why ‘They Should Know’ Is a Trap

It’s easy to assume that if you’ve said something enough times, it should automatically become second nature for the people in your life. But here’s the reality: even when they should know, sometimes they just don’t. And assuming they should always get it right can lead to resentment, anger, and unnecessary conflict.

“It’s easy to fall into the trap of feeling unappreciated when things don’t change overnight”

The Two Routes: How Do You Respond?

The way I see it, you have two options:

Option 1: Stew on it. Get yourself really worked up and convinced that they’re doing (or not doing) this because they don’t care about/love/respect you. Meanwhile, you end up doing the task yourself because, apparently, you’re the only one who can (or cares). Fast forward a few hours—or maybe days—and you see the pudding cup and chips still on the couch. Cue the episode of ranting about how many times you’ve asked, and how it’s not that hard, etc. Then, fast forward again to bedtime, where you find yourself riding the shame train, beating yourself up for losing your cool over chips when your kid was so excited to share that they got seats next to their friends in class. And what did you do? Yeah... not your finest moment.

Option 2: Leave it and circle back. Leave the seat up (after putting it down to use it, of course). Leave the wrappers, the plate, and the dishes. When the person is back, circle back on the request: “Hey, you forgot to clean up your snacks from the couch last night. Could you please go clean them up?” [90% of the time, they’ll comply because they’re starting to remember you said something about it before. Once they’ve completed the task:] “Thank you for putting your trash away. Please try to remember to do it right after your snacks next time.”

At this point, you’re probably thinking, “Where’s the comment section? There are way more than two options for handling this!” Okay, you got me—there are countless ways this could go. But you catch my drift: you either handle it well, or you don’t.

The Power of Patience and Boundaries: Regaining Control

Here’s your step-by-step guide to gaining your sanity back and loving your people more:

1. Pick One Small Thing: Choose a small, inconvenient habit that someone in your life does that makes you a little bit crazy. For example: not changing the empty toilet paper roll, leaving the seat up, not closing the door, or leaving things out of place. (Sneezing too loud? Just kidding; they can’t help that, even if it grates on your nerves.)

2. Set the Stage: Let them know ahead of time that you’re working on communicating and setting boundaries for your mental health, just as a heads up.

3. Wait Three Days: This gives some space so they don’t feel targeted right after you told them about your new approach.

4. Initiate ‘Leave and Circle Back’: “Hey, it looks like you left the seat up. Please come put it down.”

5. Hold Your Ground: If they protest with something like, “You’re already there; why can’t you?”, simply respond, “I’ve been working on communicating better and setting healthy boundaries. So I’m asking you to put it down rather than being upset with you for leaving it up.”

6. Evaluate the Response: If they refuse and an argument begins, that might be your sign that it’s time to seek out a therapist to help navigate the relationship dynamic.

7. Use Labeled Praise: If they come in and put the seat down, it’s time for the most important step: Labeled Praise. Don’t just say a casual “thank you” as if they didn’t just do something you’ve been wanting them to do for ages. And definitely don’t say it in a passive-aggressive way. What they just did is a step in the right direction, so be genuine: “Thank you for putting the seat down. I really appreciate you remembering to keep it down.”

8. Repeat Consistently: Keep repeating steps 4–7 each time the issue arises. Consistency is key to helping others adjust and remember your requests.

Why Patience and Consistency Matter

Research shows that reinforcing behaviors with positive communication and consistency can improve relationships and overall household dynamics. This approach isn’t about winning a power struggle—it’s about creating an environment where everyone knows what to expect and feels respected.

Wrapping It Up

The truth is, building healthy communication habits and setting boundaries takes time—both for you and those around you. It’s easy to fall into the trap of feeling unappreciated or disrespected when things don’t change overnight. But remember, your goal isn’t to “fix” anyone; it’s to create a space where you feel respected and heard while offering the same in return.

There will be times when things go smoothly, and there will be times when they don’t. That’s okay. Progress isn’t about perfection; it’s about the small, consistent steps that move you forward. Celebrate the moments when things go right and show yourself grace when they don’t.

And if you find yourself feeling stuck or overwhelmed, that might be a sign to reach out for additional support—whether that’s talking with a friend, finding a therapist, or exploring new tools for managing stress and emotions. Your well-being is worth the effort.

Have thoughts on this post or personal experiences to share? Drop a comment below—I'd love to hear how you approach these everyday frustrations.

They Should Know